Croz,

tell me I'm not worthless.

I want to hate you. If it makes this easier. I don't. I can't.

promise I'm worth it?

what happened?

I used to know.

I knew what I wanted.

so clearly.

I can see it.

a bit.

just out of my reach.

a little bit.

"what are the chances?"

high.

but low.

"have you gotten the news?"

no.

I'll check on Friday.

"it's friday"

No. They haven't sent it.

"call them"

no.

I hate it.

I hate how much power this has over me.

I hate that you can't give me a fucking exact date

or a fucking way to check the results.

fuck.

I dont.

fuck.

what if I don't.

Hypocrite. Filthy hypocrite.

Let's cause a scene,

like lovers do

on silver screens.

Fuck.

who am I supposed to give you advice,

about how you should care about what people think,

about your insecurities?

about eating healthy and loving your body.

about exercising.

about you not eating.

when all I want to do is puke every time I eat?

how it hurts when I see you getting smaller,

when I run

jump

crunch

stretch

diet

eat healthy

include fibre

remove fat

cut down carbo

fuck.

and I stay here.

reaching over.

tipping the scale oh so slowly.

who am I to give you advice on how to lose weight healthily

when all I want to do is just starve myself.

see how low I can go.

how I tell anyone and everyone how you're being affected.

how you guys think you're "just saying her"

fuck.

when all I want to do is just give up.

I'm disgusting.

Be professional. No one is perfect. I am more than my anger. I am more than my fear. You are human. You cannot harm me. I will love you for my 2 hours.


Croz,
I'm scared.
What would you do?








I'm more than this. I can see past it all, and I will come through.

It's my last show.
Do
It
Well.

Am I really good enough?

what if I don't make it?