everything hurts

How do you say?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was rude.
I'm sorry I scoffed at you when you said
you keep your promises.
I'm sorry that I no longer believe you
I'm sorry that you're a liar.
I'm sorry that maybe things aren't working that well.
I'm sorry that I feel this bad.
I'm sorry that I don't respect you.

Let's play a game.
Whatever is said won't matter.

Hi,
you're supposed to be my role model.
So tell me.
how the fuck can you see your wife suffer?
how the hell can you not see us, frustrated?
I cannot lie.
That is why I will never talk.
For my words will be coined "disrespectful"
but truth be told,
I'm so tired of trying to prove to you that I'm Something.
When all you have done
is nothing.

The Redemption

I hate squelchy shoes,
the soggy socks wrinkle your toes
and the puddles that turn you shoes grey
resulting in the slippery glide of your feet,
trying to get a grip.

I love the smell of rain,
I don't care what it's called.
I love it.
The crisp freshness of the air
fills your nostrils as the wind blows
calling and announcing the arrival
of the shower.

I hated the sorrow poured from the clouds.
I hated how they looked upon us,
and we had to bear their tears,
laced with pity.
The shame that thudded against us,
soaked through the cotton threads
and slipped across our skin.
Drenching our hair
and drowning our souls.
While we seek the freedom and fail,
we walk.
Droplets become drips
which become streaks
and after,
you can't tell the raindrops apart.

If you look out a window,
on a rainy day,
you can see how they fall.
Long needles that shoot straight down,
or blurs that dance with greyish white waves
among the torrents
as wind blows through.


But today.
Today the rain caresses,
washes away the animosity.
The winds pick up my soul
and peg them onto the curve of my shoulders,
and leave my legs free to dance.
The water,
forming puddles that I do not care to avoid,
making my shoes squelchy and grey.
The post-shower drizzle drips down
and slips off my hair, face and body.
Washing away the hate rubbed into my skin.
So I can finally see the light.

Give Me Love

It isn't a book.

People ask me where I find the time to do all of this. 

And the thing is, 

I never knew. 

I just did it. 

Was it anger?

Was it the repression that I couldn't express?

Maybe.

Because I realised the weeks that are filled with colour,

were filled with such frustration. 

Such pain. 

And I didn't have anything to pour myself into.

So I bled ink onto this.

The thin, delicate flesh that is the replica of my thoughts. 

I didn't find time to do this,

because I never need to.

I didn't find time to do this,

because time found its way,

to my fingers.

To my pens and markers.

There was never a need to find time,

because the book became a need.

The book,

kept me sane. 

Because what I see isn't the brown in your eyes,
the brown that carries the depth of turning grass to concrete.
the brown that has seen too much
but knows too little.
What I see isn't how your irises shine in the sunlight,
it isn't your soul.
Because the windows are shut;
and I see the cold hard reflection that is me.
Do the eyes we share engrave our fates into our blood?
Because I fear I have lost my soul. 

Because what I fear isn't the inability to give,
but the awareness that maybe giving isn't enough anymore.
As if being tied with ribbon,
and wrapped with pretty paper
would conceal the roughness of the bricks.
The heavy "presents" that you lay on top of each other for me,
until I couldn't see your hands,
and so I couldn't give you anything back.
Are your hands rough from the scratches attained
from wrapping the bricks?
I can't see the sunlight that shines,
and I've outgrown my clothes.
But please don't tear this down.
Because I fear it would be winter,
and I would be cold.

I'm Not That Kind Of Person

F, I know you read this. You're probably the only one that knows it's still alive/comatose. I read yours, because it was on fb- what a great friend am I ey? This post isn't about you changing schools. It's about the post before. Ironic isn't it, we're both 2 different ends of stick, both trying, hard, to the middle. To what's considered "normal" or "hot".

It's sick how girls now want all their ribs to show to feel beautiful. It's weird how guys are consuming all kinds of unnatural powders to build muscle mass. I'm lazy to go on. it's 2 examples, but we both know how this will go on forever.

The people in my class are perfectly happy with their bodies. They're not size zeros. They range. Skinny and tall, skinny and short, fat and tall, fat and short. And they accept it. They love their bodies they way people should.

"People that go on diets are stupid." -this fat girl said it. And I'm not even angry. She doesn't care that she's fat. She's bigger than me. But she doesn't care. And I'm upset because I kept quiet, because I guess I'm ashamed. Because I don't know how long it has been since I've eaten something and felt good about it. Even if it's salad. I don't know how many times I curse myself because I don't ache enough from the workout I did the day before. Was it not intense enough? I don't know how many times I repeat my clothes because there are so few that I'm convinced I don't look that fat it. Stockings- the thicker the better in Singapore heat- to hide my fat thighs. Cardigans that don't cling to your body- which hides my arms just so I can wear a tank top because I'm bored of t shirts. Hoodies make my tummy look bigger. Leggings make me look shorter. Jeans- apparently the miracle worker that stretches your legs- are the enemy, they make me look hopelessly short with the weirdest ass.Shorts that never fit well. Basic T-shirts that make me look so fucking bloated. So let's face it. Nothing looks good.

I don't know, F, it used to be easy to think you're beautiful just like everyone else. How is it that they can feel so good about themselves? What's their secret? I watch all the youtube videos on the different workouts that you can do. I eat healthy. Low carb, exercise, no sweet drinks, just tea or water. All these things and sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm living anymore, you know?

I don't know what this post was about, I guess it's a half rant, half-

I get it. The pain. I got the other side of the stick, but we got into the same shit huh?

I'm here. Any time you need me, I'm here. We'll go to Fika's and you can have half of what I'm eating plus your pasta bake.

I wasn't easy.
I really don't know how you managed to make me feel better. Even when I felt like all hope is lost, you were there. Guiding me. Talking to me. Ensuring me that all will be fine. So it didn't matter. It didn't matter because I didn't need the world as long as you believed in me. And you did. And so, I did. I knew I was good enough because you showed me that I was. And I worked. Hard. To show you: you were right ma. I don't have to listen to the others. To those foolish people who thought I was stupid. I knew I wasn't, I knew I could do whatever I want if I put my heart to it. I knew it, because you said it.

It didn't matter if I didn't believe in myself. You did. And that was enough.

I worked hard. To get the grades. Which I got. To get the course. Which I didn't.

Why did you lie?

What happened to doing whatever I want?  All of a sudden, you didn't believe in my judgement? All of a sudden, this dream of mine that I've been carrying with me is bogus?

The funny thing is, after a while, I thought it was too. A phase. A pathetic day dream that would pass. Because I didn't do anything about it. I didn't work in the holidays because I felt like I've already worked for a year. What kind of passion is this when I never do anything about it. So have I been lying to myself? All this time, all that I knew, all that was me. Was that a lie?

What dream? I don't believe in dreams anymore. Why?

You taught me that dreams are lies.

I'm so tired of planning for the future. Not being able to plan for things because what if I get this, what if this happens, what if it doesn't, then I'd have to do that.

I want to be young and free.

Je Ne Regrette Rien

fuck.
I always thought about the big events in my life and how that affected me. and honestly, I didn't think it did me any harm. I always came out a stronger person. But I always walk out of interviews or classes thinking that I could have said this. I could have said that.

Damn.
It's like why can't I organise the things in my mind when I speak? Why must everything be so cluttered and messy up there? I need this.

I need this.

I don't know.

Je parle vite parce que je pense que je ne compte pas.

Am I a better person, when I'm not happy?

Peace and Safety

this was supposed to be simple.
I cannot fathom or comprehend how much I miss them.
It's hard letting go and adapting to the new world
when I'm going back twice a week.
I don't know.

I hate the judgemental things you say.
Just because people don't meet up to the bar you set,
doesn't mean they're not human.
so fuck you.
fuck you for thinking you're so fucking perfect.
so what if someone is fatter than you,
or louder than you,
or cannot sing as well as you.

stop it. stop fucking saying every fucking thing that comes to your mind.
Stop telling me these things as if I agree or condone it.

I don't care what you think of them.
I don't want to look at these 3 years and say.
I felt worthless, or
that I didn't have a chance to know my peers
because you didn't want to socialise with people
you felt weren't good enough for your standards.

it's supposed to be simple.

Starsky

I don't know.

It's getting annoying.

One year.

Again.

This class better be good.

I Want To Move Out

Je suis ici pour vous

Mère,

Je voudrais vous dire combien je suis mal que vous avez dit que j'étais paresseux.J'étais tellement en colère. Vous ne voyez pas comment je fais tout tout seul? Bien sûr,vous n'avez pas. Nous ne voyons pas plus entre elles. Vous n'êtes pas ici quand je suiset vice-versa. Ce n'est pas une maison plus, la mère. Et vous avez toujours le faire. Vous devenez en colère et amer et me donner l'épaule froide, car j'ai élevé la voix. Maispourquoi devrais-je présenter des excuses lorsque tu me fais me déteste.

I feel like I'm waiting for you to break my heart.

F and D

one 10 and another 8.

here's to another 60.

well,

for one 40. =)

you guys can be so annoying.

but you guys.

were here for me

when I didn't know where to turn,

or go but down.

you guys saw the signs.

and saved me.

Thank you guys.

Je vous aime, mes ami.

Stop Bitching, Start a Revolution.

Je pense que la raison pour laquelle je suis attiré par elle, c'est parce que, elle se tient belle et innocente dans ce monde laid.

Should I have gone?

Should I not have come up with some stupid excuse like dinner?

Part of me wonders,

is this the last time I'll meet you guys?

I can't bear to look at you,

or talk to you,

to be in the same room as you.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Like I'm violated.

then thing is,

you did nothing wrong.

What happened, girl?

What happened,

to sharing everything.

what happened,

to no judgement,

just understanding was enough.

just listening.

Shit.

The world really screwed you over didn't it?

All too blinded by success and the fear of failure.

fear of

suffering;

poverty;

the unknown.

Until we're too fucking oblivious to see that we're freaking mindless automatons.

Living life without risk.

Then what's the point?

what's the point

of waking up in the morning

if all you do is the same old thing that you despise.

the thing that promised the material happiness that came with sticking to the rules, and the late nights studying, for what?

To ace a test based on a historian's beliefs on what is fact and what isn't?

Who are we trying to please?

the examiner?

our teachers?

parents?

when the hell do we stop and ask ourselves,

who is going to please me?

when am I actually living,

for myself?

How do we move forward,

when we're so stuck on the past?

yes,

we should learn from our mistakes,

but we cannot look forward when we don't turn our heads around.

or lift it up from a book.

When you're studying,

do you memorise?

do you understand?

maybe you don't memorise it, and you study it by understanding it.

but do you question why you're studying it?

why you are sacrificing 2 hours of your sleep

trying to connect the dots

of why you should multiply before you subtract?

why am I learning about things that make people tick,

when everyone is different?

now,

I ask you this.

When we were young,

out parents asked us to dream, big.

What happened to that?

Do they still tell you to do that?

Do they tell you to be practical?

Why did they lie?

Croz,

tell me I'm not worthless.

I want to hate you. If it makes this easier. I don't. I can't.

promise I'm worth it?

what happened?

I used to know.

I knew what I wanted.

so clearly.

I can see it.

a bit.

just out of my reach.

a little bit.

"what are the chances?"

high.

but low.

"have you gotten the news?"

no.

I'll check on Friday.

"it's friday"

No. They haven't sent it.

"call them"

no.

I hate it.

I hate how much power this has over me.

I hate that you can't give me a fucking exact date

or a fucking way to check the results.

fuck.

I dont.

fuck.

what if I don't.

Hypocrite. Filthy hypocrite.

Let's cause a scene,

like lovers do

on silver screens.

Fuck.

who am I supposed to give you advice,

about how you should care about what people think,

about your insecurities?

about eating healthy and loving your body.

about exercising.

about you not eating.

when all I want to do is puke every time I eat?

how it hurts when I see you getting smaller,

when I run

jump

crunch

stretch

diet

eat healthy

include fibre

remove fat

cut down carbo

fuck.

and I stay here.

reaching over.

tipping the scale oh so slowly.

who am I to give you advice on how to lose weight healthily

when all I want to do is just starve myself.

see how low I can go.

how I tell anyone and everyone how you're being affected.

how you guys think you're "just saying her"

fuck.

when all I want to do is just give up.

I'm disgusting.

Be professional. No one is perfect. I am more than my anger. I am more than my fear. You are human. You cannot harm me. I will love you for my 2 hours.


Croz,
I'm scared.
What would you do?








I'm more than this. I can see past it all, and I will come through.

It's my last show.
Do
It
Well.

Am I really good enough?

what if I don't make it?

All or Nothing

but you made your way back home,

you sold your soul

like a Roman bag of bones.

Because you made me feel like I'm worth something.

Because you saved me.

If we were drifting apart,

I miss you.

you saved me from myself.

I am good enough.

I am worth something.

I am more than my oppression.

Is my darkness my comfort?

my addiction.

it's been there for so long,

Who am I without it?

Croz,

did you help me

because of my plight

and that you felt sorry for me?

or did you actually think I was good enough?

you said that I wasn't worthless.

and that I had to stop thinking that way.

I didn't tell anyone that.

so did you see it in my eyes?

am I worthy of your help?

am I as important?

should I be heard?

If I Stand Alone

Que Suis-je, en dehors de cette dépression.

mindset

l'amour est le bouton magique

I never told anyone.
And yet you knew.
You looked at me
And knew.

que je ne peux pas regarder au-delà mon oppression. que je suis en dépression à cause de la croyance que je ne suis pas assez bon.

Why is happiness still a struggle?

The fear of possibility

Je ne sais pas ce que je veux plus

Sleepwalk
Daydream

What is happening?

Something bothering you,
Is it me?
My never ending needs
To conform to society?

What happened to my
"if you don't like it, fuck you" attitude?

Why am I not working harder
To get out of here?

This semester changed everything.
Mais dame en rouge,
Tu sais que je serai là pour vous.

Are you afraid to be the only one left?
Life used to be simple.

I don't know how to give,
I don't feel like I'm there at all.

Abandonment

Maybe I can't bring myself to commit because in the end everyone would leave.

Je veux retourner à Paris

The stars a blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun.

When I didn't have to answer to anyone but myself.

Mama says the Legend is so open

because at a point of time,

she believed that she had nothing left to lose.

If I could forget about everything,

and just be.

Without fear of consequences,

maybe I can finally grow.

Maybe I can finally know who I am.

I know I'm strong,

in certain ways,

I've overcome and learnt from my experiences.

but that's the thing,

it's My Own Experiences.

If you see someone you love reaching for a fire,

and no matter what you say,

they still continue to reach for it,

what will you do?

I'd let them get burn.

Because then they'll learn.

Tough love.

Tough life.

I feel like an airhead.

I'm not thinking deep thoughts,

just shallow ones.

Back there,

I was in charge of my on decisions,

my own future.

And I felt so liberated,

for the first time,

I understood why

teens say they want more "freedom"

Because we're so bloody protected from the world,

when all we want to do

is see it,

and learn.

Somnambulisme

Listen to the Croz

You made me believe that

There's still hope.

But now,

I'm burned out.

I'm dead.

It used to be,

just get through this,

'cause sooner or later,

it'll be over.

But now I know

over doesn't last.

C'est pour ça que je redoute rentrer à la maison?

Let Me Out

and today you accidentally called me,

"baby"

Everyday is a reminder

of what I hate most in life.

The lack of control,

the soulless days where by

I'm just sleepwalking the whole day.

I want to be back when we were 16.

And just stay there,

when we didn't have any of these choices.

I want life to go on.

I don't want to be 17 anymore.

I honestly don't know what you want,

honestly,

will it be awkward?

Yes.

Do I want to be friends?

What will that mean?

How do we start again?

I don't want to make any decisions

now that I'm vulnerable.

I'm only 17,

I don't want to be one of the zombies in the train

that don't have any dreams,

or forgotten that they had any to begin with.

you took everything else away,

please let me keep this.

Tout que je peux penser est le sexe, la drogue et l'alcool.

fuck you for thinking what I did was punishing you for what you did,

fuck you for saying that you don't know what you did to deserve it.

you stopped listening,

and I grew up.

don't say it as if I abuse you.

don't say it as if I don't

hold you or

slow down.

don't tell me that you're perfect,

don't tell me that you never made a single mistake.

if it weren't for you,

where would I be right now?

I'm OK (subtext)

I'm tired of walking on eggshells,

So terrified to fail.

And in order to please you,

I abandon myself.

And though it used to hurt me

when you pushed me away,

What

Am

I

Going

To

Do

When

This

All

Ends.

Je ne veux pas faire de psychologie, je ne veux pasapprendre les sciences, je ne veux pas faire des affaires, je ne veux pas faire de la chirurgie, je ne veux pas couper les morts vers le haut. Je veux agir, c'est que trop difficile à comprendre? Non, c'est juste pourpas chers à destination.

How I wish you knew,

how much I need you.

I feel like running,

but I can't abandon you.

You avoid my gaze,

withdraw from me these days.

You punish me,

from trying to be,

all that you wanted.

What more can I do?

et vous, vous êtes le président. et vous me juger surmes propres opinions? contradiction ne même pas commencer à le couvrir. Je peux agir. Je le sais. ne pense pas que tu es meilleur que moi. juste pour quevous le savez, les gens qui me regardent de haut, j'ai tendance à prouver qu'ils ont tort.

I'm stronger than ever,

you made me this way.

But I Am A Good Girl

Fuck Lewis

How long will it take for you to understand that I don't want a job where I am constantly hating my life. I don't want to live life knowing I have no where to go and me constantly wanting to end everything and just give up.

I had a nightmare, that I couldn't act anymore. Because I forgot how.

I gave up talking to you. Because I know how fucking futile it will be. You don't know better, because you never dreamed big enough.

You can't say what I have or what I don't, because you've never experienced it.

Will things be okay?

Do I risk it all?

Come this far,

just to fall?

It's Been A Lifetime Hasn't It?

What I did.

Was it right?

Where is everyone,

when I need them?

You can't tell me to relax

and just "go for dinner for now"

because I don't have the time.

I'm starting to like my job.

Even though there's that voice that says

I can't cope.

The pain of not knowing what's going on.

Why did I agree to do something

I don't believe in?

Why on Earth am I so...

weak.

Things take time,

and heal.

I know everything happens for a reason,

but what am I supposed to do now?

Turn Me Inside Out.

I did everything right.

I studied hard.

I did what you wanted.

I didn't choose the risky choice.

I chose something safer over something I loved.

I did something completely Singaporean.

I listened to you.

I know we've had this conversation.

I know that's why I'm not talking to you.

I don't know why I'm doing this anymore.

I wonder what will happen now that I love my job.

I don't know why I hate the school.

I did everything right.

Why aren't I happy?

I Know How Georgia Feels.

to be the one who is as good as anyone else.

to be the one who is trying so hard to not screw up.

to work harder than Nikki,

but to watch her step into the spotlight

time and time again.

Being tired of being sad.

Being sad to not be interesting enough,

not funny enough,

not good at imitations,

not bad enough.

If I could have another second to think,

I'd tell you that I'm scared.

I needed your advice

but you were never around.

You guys are amazing.

How I'm a stereotype for crying now,

kinda makes me smile.

Comment est-il que quelque chose que j'aime peutme rend si heureux encore si triste en meme temps?

Dear Elfin;

Can't love no one else,

'til you love yourself.

And if they don't like it,

tell 'em:

Get in line,

and kiss your ass.

Muah!

I think a lot of people have forgotten about this place,

but if you're looking at this,

know that you're awesome.

You came such a long way,

and I'm so proud of you.

You played such a important part in the 2 short years we were friends.

You supported me when I was at my low points,

and celebrated with me when life wasn't so bitchy.

No amount of XOXOs will be enough,

so thank you,

and happy birthday ah ma!

Parce qu'ils m'ont entendu la première fois.

I serve it up in a shot,

so suck it down like a man.

Thought I would forget,

Didn't you?

I remember.

It hurts because,

I thought I found you,

at last.

Do you not understand,

you of all people

should know.

Thank you for making me feel "SO SECURE"

really,

love me for me,

bitch.

I'm trying really hard

to want to miss you.

I'm trying really hard

to see past the "who cares" attitude.

I'm trying really hard

to be excited about anything.

There used to be something.

I used to dream.

In Fifty Years or So

You can like the life you're living,

You can live the life you like.

It's funny how when I talk to you, I can feel so completely alone.

It's funny how I used to be able to tell you anything, but it's like you don't know what boundaries are or when some places are inappropriate for certain topics.

It's funny how you seem to not understand who I am, the looks you give me.

I'm happy you don't ask me anymore, because the answer ain't you now.

Aren't We Supposed to Dream Big?

Oh Miss Mango tank top,

where are you when I need your advice the most?

Oh Madre,

how could you doubt this,

when you knew how much it hurt me in the past?

Before Decade Ends;

No more shit.

It has been a hell of a year, but honestly it has been a great one. This year made me understand how life can truly be a bitch but that you can find strength in the littlest of things. It is the end of a decade, the end of an era. Next year we'll have different paths, different lives but we still stay the same. We as individuals will stay us no matter how much we change. Keeping that in mind, we're young and let's have some fun. =)

Castle Walls

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Observing the estate through the gate from the outside looking in
Bet you would think I got it made, better look again
I got buttler, got a maid, and a mansion
The belief is that I'm living out a millionaires fantasy
With pantoms and ferrari's in the driveway
But you see the pain and the change of the same man's
Your vision jaded by the grammy's on the mantelpiece
Just switch your camera lenses you would see the agony
Apparantly it's damaging the man you see before you
On the canvas he may seem alright but all the diasadvantages his family
Encounters overpowers his extravagance
Walk in my? I dare you
While it really seem like the kings life aint glamourous
As seen through the eyes of untrained amateurs
Because the camera's don't see beyond the walls of the smiles
Only counts until it falls in the pile

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Honestly to me, I think I'd lose every benefit of all that I've accomplished
If my key is never with it, shit
Me knowing this, why should the verses I have laid
Be more important to me than the persons I have raised
I guess I'm saying that to say that ooportunity
But they just don't equate to all the time they take away
From the kids all the shit I did right is a mistake
If deyjah end up a stripper and major slinging yay
How could I ever consider myself a great
If messiah ain't paid and nique nique ain't straight
Would your favourite song about the whips, money and shit
Be relevant if you found out, the money wasn't real, nope
So me being the goat shouldn't mean more to me
Than see it to a king though
From a bad ass kid to man with some dough
Otherwise I may well have stayed poor
So while they stay focused on me beefin with flip,
Shawty low, gucci or ludacris
Or if I'm fucking with a hoe
Did I snitch when I got arrested or will I die over nonesense
Internally I'm dealing with this conflict
So excuse me if I don't get the chance to kiss the hand
Or slap me in the face, ay I, m just the man
If they saying I ain't the best at making hit records
It's cause this my life these ain't just rapping
Shit, you think of that deep, did ya dawg
See you can't see the castle through the walls till it falls
Bitch ain't thinking with the deep, did ya dog
Cause see you can't see the castle through the walls till it falls

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Nobody knows I'm all alone,
Living in this castle made of stone.
They say that money is freedom

but I feel trapped inside it all.

And while I sit so high up on a throne,
I wonder how I can feel this low.
On top of the world it's beautiful,
But there's no place to fall.

For the record ay, I give a damn if I never said shit again
My career was meant for me to come and tell it
Honest interpretation of how affected I'm faced with
Matters most rappers used to keep locked away in the basement
The day that I walk I ain't saying that I'm amazing
Down playing the way I keep fellas from catching cases
Won't take into consideration how much it mean what I'm saying
And when I say what I mean even when I'm sorrounded by the fakers
From one of the greatest centers, blessed with most of god's graces
Who made his way amongst the greatest from the grimiest places
So next time you rating royalty, I'm always being given to recordings than the level
Of your loyalty, obvious you've been ignoring me
Who else ya seen make it through the storm, unharmed disjointed
While all the critics was looking for prince charming
Disregarded the king of the south raised doubt
Even though he made a castle out of used to be a house
He did shit that all your favourites rappers only rap about
But most of y'all don't see the castle through the walls
And the smiles till it falls in piles so while...

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Everyone thinks that I have it all,

But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Observing the estate through the gate from the outside looking in
Bet you would think I got it made, better look again
I got buttler, got a maid, and a mansion
The belief is that I'm living out a millionaires fantasy
With pantoms and ferrari's in the driveway
But you see the pain and the change of the same man's
Your vision jaded by the grammy's on the mantelpiece
Just switch your camera lenses you would see the agony
Apparantly it's damaging the man you see before you
On the canvas he may seem alright but all the diasadvantages his family
Encounters overpowers his extravagance
Walk in my? I dare you
While it really seem like the kings life aint glamourous
As seen through the eyes of untrained amateurs
Because the camera's don't see beyond the walls of the smiles
Only counts until it falls in the pile

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Honestly to me, I think I'd lose every benefit of all that I've accomplished
If my key is never with it, shit
Me knowing this, why should the verses I have laid
Be more important to me than the persons I have raised
I guess I'm saying that to say that ooportunity
But they just don't equate to all the time they take away
From the kids all the shit I did right is a mistake
If deyjah end up a stripper and major slinging yay
How could I ever consider myself a great
If messiah ain't paid and nique nique ain't straight
Would your favourite song about the whips, money and shit
Be relevant if you found out, the money wasn't real, nope
So me being the goat shouldn't mean more to me
Than see it to a king though
From a bad ass kid to man with some dough
Otherwise I may well have stayed poor
So while they stay focused on me beefin with flip,
Shawty low, gucci or ludacris
Or if I'm fucking with a hoe
Did I snitch when I got arrested or will I die over nonesense
Internally I'm dealing with this conflict
So excuse me if I don't get the chance to kiss the hand
Or slap me in the face, ay I, m just the man
If they saying I ain't the best at making hit records
It's cause this my life these ain't just rapping
Shit, you think of that deep, did ya dawg
See you can't see the castle through the walls till it falls
Bitch ain't thinking with the deep, did ya dog
Cause see you can't see the castle through the walls till it falls

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

Nobody knows I'm all alone,
Living in this castle made of stone.
They say that money is freedom

but I feel trapped inside it all.

And while I sit so high up on a throne,
I wonder how I can feel this low.
On top of the world it's beautiful,
But there's no place to fall.

For the record ay, I give a damn if I never said shit again
My career was meant for me to come and tell it
Honest interpretation of how affected I'm faced with
Matters most rappers used to keep locked away in the basement
The day that I walk I ain't saying that I'm amazing
Down playing the way I keep fellas from catching cases
Won't take into consideration how much it mean what I'm saying
And when I say what I mean even when I'm sorrounded by the fakers
From one of the greatest centers, blessed with most of god's graces
Who made his way amongst the greatest from the grimiest places
So next time you rating royalty, I'm always being given to recordings than the level
Of your loyalty, obvious you've been ignoring me
Who else ya seen make it through the storm, unharmed disjointed
While all the critics was looking for prince charming
Disregarded the king of the south raised doubt
Even though he made a castle out of used to be a house
He did shit that all your favourites rappers only rap about
But most of y'all don't see the castle through the walls
And the smiles till it falls in piles so while...

Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls;
These castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls.
There's no one here at all,

Behind these castle walls.

10 Warriors

Now "Chain of Fools" and "Respect"

Was the Anthem of a woman Aretha said.

I feel an odd comfort knowing that here, I am alone. I shall tell a story because I feel obligated to do it here.

We had all been good friends for about a year. But we started to see this other side of him. Honestly, we felt annoyed. Irritated at his childish ways. And slowly began to pull away from him. Sadly, at the same time, he was in love with a friend of ours. His denial at this obvious fact strained our friendship even more so to the point where he became aware of it. Of course we talked it out, but this was far from over.

We still fell apart. We held him so close to our hearts. The thing is another guy was also in love with the aforementioned friend and as mean as it was, I rooted for this guy. Both guys were my friends but I just did. Was this betrayal? But on April 16, it was the end. We put up one last show and it was understood that everything was gone.

After that I thought it was over but it wasn't. He would play tricks and lay traps so that we wouldn't get certain opportunities on things that we loved. Is this giving us a taste of our own medicine? Was this payback for not supporting him on something he wouldn't admit to?

Half a year had past and I went to see the little idiots, who were arguing. We decided to tell them about the horrid road we took. We wanted them to learn from our mistakes and not follow in our footsteps. Just give them advice and not for them to butt in into our unresolved conflict.

Of course they did which makes everything messy again. The things is, the guy thinks we told the juniors to gossip about him, somehow making us hypocrites and liars.

The thing is, I'm so tired of all of it. I'm so tired of the animosity and mistrust. Honestly, I just want to put everything behind us so that we could all be happy again. I want to apologise because of the lack of effort in trying to make the friendship work. But at the same time, I don't know what would happen.

Thank You

Hey this is Shane Gerosi.

You're a classy and honest woman;

Both naughty and nice;

Ravishing;

Impressive;

Seductive and Sexy.

Christina, thank you so much.

Please never stop.

Remind Me

Cause I'm doing things I normally won't do.

The old me is gone,

I feel brand new.

And if you don't like it,

Fuck you.

Honestly,

I felt sick.

I don't know how to wrap my head around it.

How and why.

I don't like following most trends

and I love things that are underrated and unknown to most,

even to the point of hating it when others start to know and like it too.

Because,

when it comes the day

that I share everything of mine

with everyone else,

I will cease to exist.

Because I just want to be like how I was when I was born-unique.

If that is taken away,

I'll just fade into the background.

hmmmmm.

I Am Done, Smoking Gun.

Maybe it's doubt.

Maybe it's pain.

Maybe it's solace.

Will this end soon?

I understand those who did,

when they did.

Why they didn't

when they didn't.

Such a spastic love.

Maybe when it's over,

I can feel free to say

ok.

Maybe when I come back,

I can find who I am.

Goodbye, sweethearts.

I'll be back soon.

THINGS TO DO/GET/BUY/WATCH AFTER "O"s

movies:

The Lovely Bones.

Valentine's Day

Shutter Island

Alice In Wonderland

Bounty Hunter

Clash Of The Titans

Date Night

Kick-Ass

Back-Up Plan

The Losers

Shrek 4

Sex and The City 1 and 2

Killers

Toy Story 3

Predators

Despicable Me

Salt

Going The Distance

The American

Easy A

Burlesque

Life As We Know It

Gun

Knight and Day

Harry Potter 7

things to do/ places to go:

learn how to ride a bike

chalets

sleepovers

shop

food trip

Movie marathons

Friends Marathons

(this is too general)

shows:

CSI:miami season 6 and 7

GLEE

Cougar Town

The Big Bang Theory

How I Met Your Mother

Everybody Loves Raymond

FRIENDS

Parenthood

Grey's Anatomy

Private Practice

90210

30 rock

8 Simple Rules

Mercy

Scrubs

Bones

Ghost Whisperer

Veronica Mars

Buy:

BIONIC DELUXE

The Pact-Jodi Picoult

Pencil Case

Purse

Shoes

Dresses

more stuff.

Sunshine

define: hope.

ember lights.

snow.

rice.

smile.

In the end,

when you thanked me,

I saw it,

pure,

innocent

and overwhelming.

I saw it pour through your eyes,

and I knew you meant it.

I will keep this safe,

I will come back,

I will hold my words,

I will remember.

Double Quarter Pounder

I'll miss it. Everything. The little things, the big ones. I'll miss the taking off of our shoes so diligently 3 years ago, and now just walking in, leaving our footprints everywhere. I'll miss the talking and laughing, and Teban-ing. I'll miss the frisbee after drama, and the bubble tea after frisbee. I'll miss motivation. I'll miss the trainers. I'll miss the lame jokes. I'll miss the smiles. I'll miss the ramps. I'll miss it all.

But I don't have the time now. I'm scared, if one day when we're back, we'll be strangers. Will it be the same?

"This is all just temporary" someone wise said this, and another wise fella reminded me of this.

I want something in my life to give it some semblance of meaning, it used to be the Tuesdays and Fridays. But that's gone, temporarily. I need to put on hold getting a life now so I can "plan" for the future. Au Revoir!

We'll Go Be Heroes.

You're a dope. And you're a bonehead. And you're... shirty!

Thanks to all,

who made me feel,

loved,

and cared for.

I have a dilemma.

What do I do,

when there are 3 things that hang in the balance?

so many things would get compromised.

It's the finale tomorrow.

I would probably miss it.

geez,

why am I so upset?

how do you think clearly,

when your head hurts?

think,

with our heart.

it will come again,

maybe at the end,

maybe in the next,

I'll hold in the tears for now.

I don't know what to do

for tomorrow.

There's type of loneliness

that comes with being special.

there's a type of solitude

that comes with true power.

There's a price to pay

when you're chosen.

but it's what we need,

leaders,

good ones.

don't laugh at them,

because in the end,

they run past boundaries

that no one dares to cross,

they try and try again,

they don't mind the sacrifice,

as long as we move together.

It's lonely there,

because when someone has that label,

everyone instantaneously throws everything to that person.

It is lonely.

when you are one person,

and no one understands what

you are going through,

all you see

is a piece of paper,

and once you make a little

tear,

or stain,

or spot,

or crease,

then they're gonna blame you.

what a price to pay.

and they still do it.

they still do it because,

no one else will.

because,

the end matters too much,

to walk away.

Fingerprint

Time goes by,

and everything drops away.

I remember when i disliked you guys,

losers with such a snobbish attitude.

But I see you now,

grown up,

knowing when to do what,

and I'm so proud.

I'm so proud of you guys,

for being such great juniors.

At the end of the day,

it doesn't matter

whether your socks don't match,

or you have messy hair,

or you have your own abstract way of thinking,

in the end,

it all comes down to you.

Maybe it's selfish of me,

but there are some things

that I don't want to share,

because these are the only things,

that I can solely call my own.

Like,

shows,

music,

books,

writing,

quotes,

clothes,

hairstyles,

celebrities.

ETC.

you get my point.

Is it really that selfish,

when you just want to go

back to the beginning,

where each of us was unique.

Is it really that selfish,

that I want to be myself?

no,

it isn't.

It really isn't.

It's difficult.

Because there are always those,

who inevitably seem to do the same thing as you.

Teevee Whore.

Okay so that would be 2 cups of tarragon, 1 pound of baking soda and 1 red onion?

What the hell are you cooking?

I have finally rediscovered why I write.

The inspiration you get from friends.

Mentors,

Kin.

etc.

At the point

where you don't have turn around

to know that they are smiling at you.

I can't doubt a human's ability to love.

I've seen and experienced enough miracles,

and I know better.

It's touching,

how you poured so much love into something,

without expecting anything back.

How you guide us,

because of your passion,

and love for us.

It's scary,

how I'm typing here,

even though I should be studying.

I've lost my motivation.

No.

I've made myself a promise.

You'll see me,

next January.

I'll be on stage,

And no,

it won't be a performance.

Standing Ovation

It's just a piece of paper.

Thank you,

for being with me through

this bitter sweet moment.

Still fight,

Still try your hardest,

Still dream

The end of this journey,

isn't the end of the world

So let's do this,

together.

Let's have coffee.

I do promise,

I will be back,

I will visit,

I will always love you guys.

Faith is believing what you cannot see.

This Friday Fourteen Hundred Hours.

I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.I DON'T WANNA STEP DOWN.

I Will Remember

You might say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one.

It was easy,

the way you said it,

and made it happen.

You show such immense love for us,

and I worry how we may let you down,

how our last performance may be our worst.

Thank you,

for wanting to help us,

for working on making this

such a "kick ass" show.

I am scared.

As are the rest of us.

I'm afraid though.

How we might not be able to

put your thoughts into actions.

I've gotten complacent.

Believing what we're doing

is already good enough.

But it isn't,

I used to be able to talk to people,

but now I can't.

But you have always believed in me.

Even when i didn't believe in myself.

So thank you,

for loving us.

Four In The Evening

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature!

Have you ever wondered,

that life would be better

if everyone were shadows?

How we would always have to perfect figure,

perfect face.

How everyone would look,

identical.

But then again,

what about all the things we love.

What would it be like in a world

where you can't give someone you love a kiss,

or hold their hand,

or put a ring on their finger,

or see them smile?

In the end,

what can make us unique?

When we look the same?

How are you going to recognise

your loved one from others?

How are you going to show,

that you're happy?

If we were shadows,

what is the meaning,

of life?

Existence.

If it matters to you, it matters.

Today it hit me.

How this was the last time we were performing.

How grateful I was with everyone who guided me, every step of the way.

It was awful, it’s fine if you hate her, but don’t talk to me as if I do too.

In the end, how do you love, without a heart?

When you talked to me, I felt so light hearted.

I really don’t know what is going to happen to us.

I love this, more than anything else in the world. Do you really understand?

Not This Time

Forgiving someone requires more courage than hurting someone.

Have I made the wrong move.

Should I have waited?

Will we get the chance to talk?

Would you make the time,

just to listen to me,

whether I'm bored?

Did you mean what you say?

Was I wrong?

Base Purples

I'm throwing on my Louboutins.

When you have seen what it has become, maybe, you'll understand. It's hurts too much, and I'm scared, if we leave, and you fail is it your fault? No, never, it'll be us who didn't show you the right path, it'll be us who will take the blame. The thing is, we will take it, willingly, but you see, we want to leave, smiling.

When I saw the original, and I see us now, I don't know what to do. It hurts because I can't do anything that I want to because of your pathetic insecurities.

When I see you now, I'm disgusted, because you still think that everything is just a game.

When I look at you, I so desperately want to help, and not walk away.

Give me a reason to stay.

Give Me a Sign

In terms of which is the better adhesive, super glue sticks okay, but glitter is permanent.

It's was the disappointing,

because,

I didn't want them to fail.

I didn't want myself to fail.

It hurts when you see people,

who don't cherish what they have.

It hurts when you're stuck,

and you just don't know what to do.

It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to cry.

And then it rained.

As if he felt helpless,

and disappointed,

like us.

As if it would have helped,

helped us wash our problems away.

Will it?

Is there an superior being up there?

Because I prayed,

I prayed and prayed,

but you didn't answer

my pleas.

So give me a sign,

to keep me fighting.

Shit Happens

When a star shines, it means a soul is free.

I saw it,

your unhappiness,

the animosity in your eyes,

once I told you.

How everything changed,

how life was once full of opportunities,

but now,

a desert,

bare and dry.

I forgot what passion had felt like,

until you told us,

how much you wanted to help us

and how simply you thought of it.

Because for you,

it isn't a burden,

not even a job,

you wanted to do it,

for us,

not because you had to,

but because

you truly loved us.

And I see now,

what I'm doing is

for the eyes of all

the ones we would leave behind,

for all the pain

that was brought upon us,

for the pride

that I hope will shine in your eyes,

for the simple

yet powerful word-passion.

because you once showed me

how to stand up,

and you gave me the strength

to speak up.

I see everything

that I'm doing.

And I know,

that I'm doing it,

most importantly,

for you.

Glee

Think like a child,

dream big.

I had a fruitful year.

Gained a lot,

lost a lot.

In the end,

it comes down to one thing,

I don't care.

I don't care

that I don't get inspired,

that I can't write,

that I can't stay awake,

that I don't get credit.

I don't care,

because in 8 months,

these things will mean nothing,

if I make a mistake,

it's gonna screw up my life.

I want to look at her straight into her eyes and shout IN YOUR FACE.

I'm sick of crying,

because I know that it won't help.

I don't care about petty problems,

because they will come and go,

because life's a bitch.

I don't bleedin' care

if I make a fool out of myself trying,

because in the end,

I knew what I wanted.

How many people

can say that

they're doing what they love,

every single day?

I'm going to be one of the few.

Because I will fight

for what I believe in.

Care to join me?

What ever happened to believing?

You didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anyone come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.

Spoken;

Which do you prefer?

Not being good at something,

and therefore not being chosen,

or not being chosen,

although you're good,

you're wanted,

but just not available.

Stupidity;

Why must life be such

that we can never go back in time,

and change all the mistakes

that we have made.

Suffering;

Why is it that

when I look back now,

I can't tell why I made those choices,

not anymore.

Self-Condemnation;

Because I do regret.

Because it hurts to see bored faces,

when they are the ones with the privileges.

Because it hurts to watch the things that they do,

knowing that I could have been a part of it.

Because it hurts to breathe.

We Band of Buggered

Is everyone here very stoned?

In the end,

when everything fell away,

we were happy,

if you forget

all the animosity,

and the pain,

you will find other things,

that are far more important.

Because maybe,

in the end,

we do render supreme.

Because maybe,

in the end,

no matter how the others fared,

we worked together,

and things turned out well.